You Know What, Jon Stewart?

Eat me.

I will elaborate.


The schtick has worn thin. The act is bone-tired.

And by "schtick" and "act," I mean your whole "I'm-an-impartial-observer-but-here's-my-donkey-cuff-links-wink-wink-nudge-nudge-does-she-go?" routine.

There's lots of shit that I'm willing to put up with from you: your vigorous yanking of the clown-nose on and off as the rhetorical situation demands, your smug assurance of intellectual superiority juxtaposed against your persistent inability to conduct an interview on any higher a level than an average SNL skit, the fact that you provided a training camp for Colbert's half-hour of painful ironic mugging, etc. I put up with all of this for the handful of times you still manage to make me laugh.

It's when you pull out that shrill tone, that half-speed Olbermann impression, that I-am-shocked-schocked-good-day-sir act, when all your naked partisanship comes out, and you reveal yourself for the half-read funnyman you truly are.

Oh, we doesn't like it when 9/11 gets political? We find that beyond the pale, does we?

Eat me, Virginia. With relish.

Guess what, jackass: 9/11 was political. That was its purpose and its method. Hence, arguments about it are going to get partisan. Given that the two major political parties have had generally differing opinions about foreign policy since...forever, getting pissy about politicians using such disputes to advance their partisan interests is like getting pissy about them expelling carbon dioxide. It's what they do.


You want 9/11 heroes to get their health care? Fine. Sounds reasonable. But how do you know the bill doesn't suck? How do you know it's not just another slush-fund payoff to somebody's favorite interest group? How do you know it's not another red-tape, pull-dependent crapfest from the same Congress that gave us the Stimulus and the GM bailout? Have you read the fucking thing?


And just for the record, somehow I doubt that if the trillion-here, trillion-there Pelosi nonsense hadn't happened, that we'd be debating a lousy $7.4 billion for 9/11 firemen.  And maybe if Happy Harry had just passed the damn tax-cut extension a month ago, like he should have, we wouldn't be having this debate.


But since certain whiny assholes never miss an opportunity to play (and I do mean "play") Class Warrior, I had to listen to you and your ilk pretend that raising taxes on anybody in this economy was a good fucking idea, and so everything else got pushed to the back burner. As well it should have been.


Because, despite what progressive d-bags like you think, the Congress is there to represent us all, not just Noble Wounded Heroes and Tiny Tim. Because something that affects everybody's paychecks are going to hit the people you like, too. I didn't see you calling out the Democrats in Congress for risking the paychecks of 9/11 First-Responders because they can't stop treating America's wealth like their private fucking piggy bank. In fact, I seem to recall you cheering them on with a lot of jokes that sounded pretty fresh when George Bernard Shaw first wrote them (that's right, Jon, refraining from taking someone's money is exactly the same as tugging the forelock. Dumbass).


No doubt every time ABC news tells you how important you are, you feel entirely justified. The power, it must be well intoxicating. I'll bet you can't wait to go call Tucker Carlson the Worst Person in the World again.


All of which means you've finally made the move from Prime-Time Will Rogers to Father Coughlin With Funny Voices. So when you've got a spare moment from bitching out Beck, I suggest you look up what happened when everyone had their fill of Coughlin's hypocrisy.


But first, you will eat me.