Shut Up, Hipsters. Please, Just Shut Up.

Yeah, I lied. Deal with it.

I am roused from my torpor by a variety of things, but the immediate catalyst was this typically incisive Lileks rant, especially the following:

In other words, one review talks about how the Establishment was paying people to skewer itself in the 50s, and it’s followed by another review that praises an incomprehensible 1969 “satire” for bringing hipness to the squares.

Hmm. Well. Suggestion:

It’s quite possible the squares had been hip to this long before, inasmuch as they did not believe housewives really clicked their heels when they saw what Tide could do. It’s possible the squares didn’t spend a lot of time worrying about Madison Avenue and its lies, man, its Santy-Claus lies, because it wasn’t exactly a thunderous revelation. It’s possible the squares were hip before the hipsters invented the squares.

And that, boys and girls, is the real conspiracy: the conspiracy of Hip. I happened to get my latest issue of Spin in the mail today (don't ask. long story), and the first actual article, once you made it past the bizarrely air-brushed-looking cover pic of Johnny Knoxville (hurting yourself for entertainment is AWESOME if you look good doing it), and the pages of ads for the Gap (which thunders "Long Live Individuality"), Helio Cell Phones (Yes, I called it a Cell Phone. It fits in your pocket, and you can make calls with it. It thus fits all the characteristics of a Cell Phone. I don't care if you can perform brain surgery and Play 3-D Omega Snood on it at the same time. IT'S A @%&*$##$* CELL PHONE. THANK YOU), Best Buy, Le Tigre (The shirt, I'm guessing, not the band), the Toyota Yaris (Oooh, you can play MP3's in your car! I've never done THAT before!), the MTV Video Music Awards, Meltin' Pot (presumably a jean company), some Beatle-boot manufacturer called Ben Sherman, Jeep, and Union Bay, is called "the Rebirth of Uncool". It's about a new generation of soft-rockers who want to love Hall and Oates and the Eagles proudly.

Nope. Not kidding.

This is the same magazine, purporting to be the voice of the underground, or at least to know where it could be found. This is the mag that seems to suggest by its very existence that Rolling Stone is a tool of the Establishment. And they're trying to sell us Soft-Rock. Why? Do they like Soft-Rock? Do they really think that Soft-Rock is an idea whose time has come, again?

Or are they just keeping the Music Industry Double Helix going, whilst they pretend to damn the system they cash in on? Is it just me, or is this pretense the very means by which they cash in?

Somehow, I get the feeling that if these hipster doofuses (doofii?) really really wanted to change the culture, they'd do so by, oh, I don't know, changing the culture. Instead of whining about the schlockiness of our films, theater, music, etc., they'd make better films, better theater, better music. Better not in the sense that it knew what the problem was and piled anxiety upon denuncation upon glibness underlining that fact, but better in the sense that it was timeless, moving, a reflection of something good within the creator that touched something good in everyone that encountered it. But that's hard. It requires years of painstakingly learning your craft, learning your market, paying the dues to the world of business without killing your spark while managing not to become contemptuous of your fellow man enough to express something he'll understand. And bitching's not only easier, it's profitable. Denounce the Man loud enough and the Man beats a path to your door to shower you with riches.

Well, guess what. All you empty-headed truth-talkers, you poser swine, you regurgitating aliterate dingleberrys on Stephen Colbert's backside, YOU ARE THE MAN. Aaron MacGruder is the Running Dog of Madison Avenue. Public Enemy was a Lackey of the Oppressor. Hunter Thompson was the World's Greatest Capitalist (straight Horatio Alger, man).

And I don't just mean the ones we all know about. I mean the "underground" which means nothing more than "Pop Culture Farm Club" as far as I'm concerned. I mean the tools who labor to make their "indie" "scene" "real". I mean anyone who's ever subscribed to Maximum Rock n'Roll. I mean Ian MacKaye, examplar of the Free Market.

You are all aristocrats, because you are all rebels. Or, if you don't really want to shake the world, you're useful idiots for those that do. Take your pick. I don't care.

Just shut up.