Happy Halloween

Keys to a fun Witchy day:




1. Don't go out when it's light.




2. Don't wear a brightly colored costume so that cars can see you. Instead, wear a dark costume, get hit by a car, and sue the driver for lots of money.




3. Don't check your candy for pins. Sickos deserve a fun halloween too. Instead, bite really hard into candy bars so that your teeth feel the pin, and then egg the sicko's house.




4. Don't be rude or angry towards the nauseatingly wholesome Christian family that puts bible verses into your bag instead of candy. Egg their house instead.




5. Don't give candy out to people who aren't wearing a costume, or who think putting a football jersey on constitutes wearing a costume. Spray them with the hose, unless they're black, because that would be culturally insensitive (think Bull Connor). Instead, throw eggs at them.




6. Don't get mad at kids that leave flaming bags of excrement on your doorstep. Get even.




7. Finally, don't listen to the health Nazis who make you feel bad for eating candy. Eat lots of candy. Eat lots of candy, and don't brush your teeth. You'll wake up feeling nice and sinful on All Saint's Day, and isn't that what we all want?