Official Notion Statement: Top Ten Reasons to Vote Kerry

10) He has distinguished himself in the Senate as a man of nuance, able to grasp that the same policy might be alternately right and wrong, depending on the circumstances, and the ever-shifting winds of politics. Therefore, he will do nothing without consulting his aides, Congress, the people at large, our allies, the UN, our "enemies" (because an act can be right and wrong according to the moment in which it happens, someone can only be our enemy in the short-term, provided it is not the result of a cross-cultural misunderstanding), and academics. This will prove so exhausting that President Kerry would never actually do anything, which is precisely what we would want our President to do.*


9) He's man enough to ride a motorcycle. VROOOOOOM!


8) He wants to raise taxes on rich people to stimulate the economy. This will confuse rich people so much that they'll go crazy and start hiring anyone that walks into the plant, and at good wages. As an added benefit, we prefer our rich people nice and confused, like Paris Hilton, who doesn't even know if she's a person or a city. If rich people appear sane and sorted-out, we must hate them, because success is nuanced, mmkay?


7) He was in Vietnam, and that means he knows all there is to know about fighting modern warfare. Hell, he could probably defeat al Qaeda all by himself! Sure, all wed have to do is airlift him into Afganistan (not Iraq, because al Qaeda has nothing, do you hear, nothing to do with Iraq. The fact that al Qaeda set off bombs in Spain in part because of Spain's support of the Iraq war means Nothing! Shut up, warmonger!), and he'd catch Osama faster than Lloyd Bridges took out Saddam in the second Hot Shots! movie. And with any luck, he won't come back.


6) He thinks the war shouldn't be a war, it should be an investigation, complete with arrests and warrants and trials and Interpol and prosecutorial discretion and negotiations. This will undoubtedley deter people willing to blow themselves up for a cause. And it won't require any broad, permanent increase in the power of the federal government. Nope, none. Good-bye, Patriot Act!


5) Look at this chin:





Tell me you wouldn't want to vote for a man who looks like Dudley Do-Right's shady lawyer cousin. "I'll sue Snidley, Nell!"


4) Much has been made of our potential first Lady, Teresa Heinz Kerry. Fear has struck through the Democratic camp that she's too rough, to sassy, to devoted to four-letter-words to be a proper first lady. I say, au contraire! Aren't we all just a little tired of First Ladies who claim to be feminists but roll over like beaten dogs when their husbands get drunk on the power? I think we all know what would happen if Teresa caught John playing pet-the-puppet with an intern. She'd kick the living crap out of him. And that's just what America needs: the sight of a diddling husband being pummelled by his wife in the highest office of the land. It would empower women like nothing has since the Pill.


3) Furthermore, Teresa is the heiress to the Heinz ketchup fortune, a veritable Ketchup Queen. This doesn't make John Ketchup King, but it does make him a kind of Prince Consort of Ketchup. That is so lame we just have to put them both in the White House! Think of the relief it will bring to our European friends. They're going through a bad patch right now, what with that dim, unspeakable fear that terrorists might just mean all that crazy talk they shout out about killing infidels. They need a good laugh. Such a magnanimous gesture will demonstrate to the whole world that we're willing to think about everybody's needs when choosing a President, and are moving beyond that whole looking-after-your-own-interests thing.


2) The economy is all Bush's fault. He stole jobs from under the pillows of poor minorities and sold them to foreign countries, and gave the money to Halliburton! OOOOOOOOOH! Halliburton makes me SOOOOOOO mad!


1) Remember, you can't say "Kerry" without "Care."














*That is, if the rest of us weren't so caught up in the "oooh, shiny" of politics, so we could safely ignore this process